for the love of letting go

"Duality",  October 2010

Sometimes the weight of raising him alone, of working at a place I don’t want to be just to get by,  it’s overwhelming.  I tell myself to “dig deep”.  To find the inner strength to make do and to make do with a lightness, with peace.

And here we are in November.  I just don’t like this month.  It comes with its shorter daylight hours, its promise of months of cloudy, cold, dreary weather.  And it comes with its reminder of the sorrow that hit two years ago.  And I think I need a shift in perspective.  Perhaps November comes as a cleansing.  A letting go in time for a winter of reflection, a spring of newness and growth. 

 I recognize this overwhelming need for a plan, this desire for control.  And I pause and wonder…what if I just let go?

Let go of this idea of a family I want for myself and my son

Let go of this idea of what I want my life to look like, my day-to-day existence

Let go of this idea of what a fulfilling social life looks life

Let go, let go, let go, and let go…

 And open my eyes to the love I feel for my son, for my friends, for my students, for my family, for our world, really.  Accept that this is it.  This life.   Right now, right here.  This is how it is and about the only thing I can control is how I look at it.

Joy is here, peace is here, sadness, love, anger, trust, respect.  All here. 

 And there, my smile, my hope.  They return, these occasional strangers, and remind me that all is well.