Lizabean

The thing is (6 months old)...

Block play (bw), originally uploaded by liza-bean.

The thing is I adore the way you bounce up and down,
(up and down, up and down!),
the way you call for your daddy,
the way you giggle with joy when it's time for mama,
the way your tiny voice instantly calms me and brings me such peace,
the way you scoot with such determination,
the way you wake right up when your hear your cousin's voice,
the way you grin that gorgeous smile at complete strangers in the grocery store,
the thing is, my sweet son, I just adore you.

In hibernation

Cha..cha..cha..changes!, originally uploaded by liza-bean.

I have been quiet the past few weeks. With my phone gone (shout out to Tiffany...you 'lil thief, you!), calls have gone unanswered, emails too. I apologize to my dear friends and family.

A little over a week ago it felt like life ,as I knew it, had crumbled into millions of fragmented and jagged pieces.

And I am beginning to..hmmm, not to rebuild...I am peeling away layers of doubt, guilt, anger, shame and sadness. Trying to discover, as my therapist puts it, "my voice".

And I am a ferocious lion, frustrated from being caged in myself nearly my entire life. There is this power that I am still a bit scared to unleash. Is it possible to be both gentle and fierce?

I think so. It's been baby-steps, but I stood up to the lady at the DMV the other day (again, thanks for that Tiff) and it felt so good to be a balance of assertive and kind.

As I forgive myself, I find myself far more forgiving of the hurt people have caused me in the past. In my opinion, selfishness stems from a lack of knowing your true self. So when you are busy trying to balance everything inside yourself, how can you possibly have enough mental energy to truly care for others?

My actions lately have been selfish. And that's okay. I need to examine, to heal, to care for my son (okay, so not ALL my actions have been selfish).

It's funny. People frequently use the word "selfish" as an attack on character. I don't see it that way anymore. If someone acts in a "selfish" manner, they are trying to get a need met. Tiffany stole to meet a need because she's at a place right now where they are not being met in a healthier way. Do I want justice? Yup. But revenge? No. What I really want is for her to learn another way to get her needs met. And to listen to the messages my sister and I left with her "contacts" and give me back my stuff. Thank you very much. Ha...

It's actually been a bit humorous to me, all the ways I can vent frustration towards a complete stranger. 2 hours of my life wasted to get a new license? Arg, that Tiffany!

Umm, yeah. I've gotten a little sidetracked here...

The point is, things are changing around here in Lizabean-land. And this process has been both incredibly painful and hopeful.

I find a need to examine why I do just about everything I do. This includes my photography, my writing, my career, my everything.

So my photo site has been put on hold, and I'm not sure how often I'll be posting here.

I need to continue with this hibernation, so goodbye for now.

I may be back, once I've truly awaken.