Lizabean

Little tid bits at 31 weeks

31 weeks, originally uploaded by liza-bean.

Baby's due February 27th, which means I'm a day shy of the "two more months" mark. AAAAHH...excitement!

Today I got to zip through the DMV with their expectant mother's perk. It actually felt justified with the way I've been waddling around.

Bubble baths and two week vacations are just awesome.

It's a good day here, folks. Hope it's been good for you!

Been hoping...

"Amia pretends to be sad", Canon Digital Rebel XT, December 2007

...that my chiropractor appointment on Friday does something!  Because nine more weeks of this??

Whimper...whimper...

That thing called adulthood

family, originally uploaded by liza-bean.

I do recall back during those teenage years that I couldn't wait until I was older and "all grown up". I also remember thinking adults (aka. my mom and dad) were a bit nuts, wanting the house spotless for company. I frustrated my mom plenty, refusing to tidy up my room.

And now? Now, I TOTALLY get it. And not just for guests. Our apartment has to be clean or I feel completely at edge. (Kind of like our old schnoodle Yammi, all jumpy and uptight. Except I don't snap at the vacuum cleaner).

I must admit, it took me years to get to this point. In college I always felt like the slob compared to my roommates. I had a much higher tolerance for dirty dishes and dusty floors.

Then I got married. And lets just say Brent fit the "college male" stereotype of cleaniness (which really, I know just as many men as women who are very tidy so please accept my apologies for even mentioning that frequently proven wrong stereotype) . Anyway, my tolerance expanded some, although I think he'd be shocked to know that.

We have struggled all four and a half years of our marriage to keep a tidy apartment, keep up with bills, cook, clean etc. Many times we failed miserably -just ask former roomie Robbie-, but I am very proud to announce that this year has shown some incredible growth in this area.

Good thing, too. Now it's not just good enough to have laundry and dishes done, a full fridge, and bills paid on time.

Oh no, things must be organized and spotless.

I found myself telling Brent last night, "Now really, can you imagine bringing a baby home to this?"

Nesting indeed.

Tickled

So guess who else liked to lay across his momma's belly, all tranverse style, while in utero?  Baby's daddy, that's who.  Now that just cracks me up...

Letting go

On Sunday, Brent and I started a birthing class based upon the book "Birthing from Within".  It is designed for small groups but since we were the only ones to sign up we have our very own private tutor.  And that's just wonderful. 

One quote from the book is "worrying is the work of pregnancy".  Instead of pushing your worries aside (like I've spent years trying to do) the author recommends acknowledging them, finding out the root of your fears, and actually asking yourself what you would do if that fear came true.

A few weeks ago I spent an evening journaling about the deepest fear, that of Liam dying.  And it helped calm me to think of what we would do. How I would still get to see him and hold him and say a tangible goodbye.  This is not to say that I am in anyway prepared for that to happen or have any real clue about how devasting that would be, but it has lessoned the worry...to some extent.

The great thing about taking this class is that our instructor lead me through another way to actively deal with this worry.  Eventually it came to asking myself, everyday, "What am I doing right now to choose hope?"  Pregnancy, children, life, oh it can be so scary the lack of ultimate control we have over it all.  The control I do have is how I think about it, what I say to myself when the worries prop up and threaten to take over.

And yesterday, the worries overcame me.  I wrote that post and then had a bit of a meltdown.

Have I mentioned before just how wonderful my husband is?  He's got a gift, that one.  Knowing how to help someone work through their issues while still keeping it their job to solve the problems.  I am one who easily seeks the comforts of others to tell me it will all be okay.  Brent's all,  this will all be okay once you've actually problem-solved.  And he doesn't let me skip that part.

I was reminded last night, after reading people's blogs, and seeing photos of newly arrived ones, of how I first felt when I found out I was pregnant.  My hopes were on meeting my baby and I distinctly remember thinking, "I really do not care how s/he gets here, as long as s/he gets here".  I was okay with pregnancy complications then, okay with C-sections, okay with anything as long as it meant I got to become a mother.

And here I am with a healthy, growing boy and a thus far a very uneventful, complication-free pregnancy.  I feel at peace today.  I feel lucky.  And naturally, feel very grateful.

I also feel like I haven't given my midwife quite the fair representation.  When I'm there she makes me feel like her time is unlimited and all just for me. She called me only three hours after a series of tests to give me the results.  Now that's something! 

I do think that I need to keep trying to communicate with her honestly about my concerns, frustration, and sensitivities and am actually pretty happy with myself for speaking up the other day.  That was only my second visit with this particular midwife so I think it's going to take a little more time to develop more trust.  Considering I'm slow to warm up to begin with, it's a good thing the appointments are going to be every two weeks from now on. And I think if I bring a little more hope with me to these visits, a pinch more of confidence in myself..well, that will help too.   

And the belly will only get bigger??

29 weeks, originally uploaded by liza-bean.

Apparently our little 2.5 pounder prefers to lie across his momma's belly. A bit unusual....I've been told...and then needed to be told several times that most likely baby will move that head downwards soon and to not confuse him just yet with those "head down" friendly yoga positions/tilts. But, because I'm such the worrier, anyone have a transverse baby that turned? Because transverse is worse than breeched and equals an automatic C-section. "Babies just cannot be born that way", I have also been told. Such things should never be said to me.

After my midwife appointment yesterday, I've decided that I'm just too picky with what I expect from health care professionals. I liked my doctor, I like these midwives, but when no one says things right then it must be my sensitivety, huh?

A month ago I was told that I'm gaining too much weight. I've worked really hard this entire pregnancy to maintain what I think is a healthy diet and to push up the daily walks/exercise. So when the nurse took my weight, and I got the exact same "talk" from the midwife for gaining 5 pounds instead of the limit of 4, I teared up and frankly told her just how frustrated I felt about the whole thing. She agreed to back off; I agreed to remain aware.

I think I need to write a sign for my next visit that says, "Hello, I am an extremely sensitive person. And I go by Liza. You will probably make me cry unless you can tell me at least three things I am doing right with this pregnancy for every one thing I may need to work on."

I think everyone is fully aware of the benefits of encouragement during labor. I just want some during the months beforehand, too!

Winter's arrival

Winter's approach, originally uploaded by liza-bean.

This week brought snow, ice and very little sunlight. It's rough getting up during work days but it sure makes Saturday mornings the best time ever.

Little baby (not much of a bean any longer!) is all into this new routine of kicking me as I awaken each morning. So today it was absolute bliss, lying there for however long I desired, feeling him wiggle, jiggle and exercise those tiny legs.

There's a part of me that feels guilty, experiencing all of this. After spending all that time trying to let go of wanting it, trying to save my heart from breaking by shoving the hope away. What wasted depression, what wasted hopelessness!, I scold my former self. But I know those years shaped me into who I am today. Prepared me for this past spring, when I started to feel better.

Those two years were the winter of this particular journey. Spring came with this new life, bouncing away in there.

And summer, oh my, summer's quickly approaching.

Sheepy, Sheepies!

"Sheep!", Canon Digital Rebel XT, December 2007

At my half-way mark several weeks ago, I decided to treat my future momma-self to a custom made messenger bag for all those diaper days to come.  It finally arrived a few days ago from the U.K.! Adorable?  Quite so.  Functional?  Uh....sure.

Now I need to convince Brent that in addition to a couple of professional massages he so kindly recommends for this last third of the pregnancy, how about a new point-and-shoot camera with video capabilities for when baby comes?  It sure would fit perfectly with this bonus bag that was sent with the sheepies:

"Puppies!", Canon Digital Rebel XT, December 2007

Accusations

About two months ago our toilet clogged up.  We tried to fix it ourselves but when that didn't work we, naturally, called our building management.  They came, they fixed it, gave us some tips and left.  Two weeks later it happens again.  I call and make arrangements.  I leave for a dr's appt.  Building manager yells at me for not being home even though they were given permission to enter our apartment with their own set of keys.

Two weeks later and we're a day away from leaving for Thanksgiving break.  Toilet clogs, yet again.  I call the building manager and get chewed out.  Building manager's husband comes and "fixes" the toilet.  He spends 10 minutes telling Brent "not to throw chicken bones in the toilet".  Brent laughs in his face, assuming he is drunk.

Apparently, he was not drunk.

So when Brent calls today about the yet again clogged toilet, he is chewed out for the chicken bones...again.

Angry pregnant woman chews out building manager and leaves an angry message with building manager's boss.

We'll see what happens next...   

First snow

Snow on the first, originally uploaded by liza-bean.

I do recall that our first snow last year was on December 1st. Go figure...