Lizabean

renovations

"Renovations", November 2010

There is meaning hidden in the small changes of everyday life, and wisdom to be found in the shards of your most broken moments.  At the end of the dark night of the soul is the beginning of a new life.  –Elizabeth Lesser in “Broken Open”

A poem written a while back.  Thought I'd share:

 

Burn away my anger,

Cremate my hatred,

Disperse the ashes of my drawn out indifference

Embalm the secrets of my heart

 

For there you will find the purity of my longing

To belong-

To love-

To live-

To breath-

In each moment

As each moment is.

 

Burn away my attachment,

Burn away my expectations,

 

Embalm the secrets of my heart.

Waking up

"Sheltered from this winter's storm"  February 2011
So I’m not sure when it started.  Was it the moment the nurse  handed me my freshly cleaned newborn and said, “Diapers are in the bottom drawer, just let us know if you need anything?"  Or was it when my former husband told me, “I think we should separate.  I’m 99% sure that I want a divorce”…  At some point in the past few years, and it doesn’t really matter when or how or why, I woke up and my life began again.

 During that time I’ve read a plethora of self-help books, participated in intuitive healing, worked with a therapist, and thrown a variety of adult-tantrums along the way, that I can assure you.  But here I am.  Fully participating -to the best of my ability- on this thing called living.

 Brene Brown’s  book “The Gifts of Imperfection”  is my current tool in this whole “Liza wants to grow, live life with more joy and peace and doesn’t quite know how the hell to get with that program”.  She writes about authenticity, about letting go of perfectionism and aiming for connection.  She encourages letting go of comparisons and challenges this whole idea of “fitting in”. 

She writes, “Joy is as thorny and sharp as any of the emotions.  To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees- these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain”. 

So here I am, stepping out into that vulnerability, allowing the discomfort of the unknown to surround me and swallow me whole.  Trusting that life will continue to guide me as its challenges poke, prod and shape the person that I am.

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Last week I attended a diversity training for my workplace.  We talked about feeling priveleged and feeling like an outsider.  The common theme that shined through was how relative it all is, how we all know what it's like to feel both ways.  And for some reason, that gave me more courage to be more vulnerable.  It reminded me that no matter what I do or say or feel, I am not alone in it.  We've all been there, in varying degrees.

"The light of winter's end", March 2011

I was stagnant, those long months of winter.  Stuck.  Unmoving.  Unchanging.  Slowly withering, both physically and in spirit.

Then someone told me, "This life is not just for other people.  You belong here, too." 

I belong here, too.

So simple, so needed, so perfect. 

 

 

 

 

for the love of letting go

"Duality",  October 2010

Sometimes the weight of raising him alone, of working at a place I don’t want to be just to get by,  it’s overwhelming.  I tell myself to “dig deep”.  To find the inner strength to make do and to make do with a lightness, with peace.

And here we are in November.  I just don’t like this month.  It comes with its shorter daylight hours, its promise of months of cloudy, cold, dreary weather.  And it comes with its reminder of the sorrow that hit two years ago.  And I think I need a shift in perspective.  Perhaps November comes as a cleansing.  A letting go in time for a winter of reflection, a spring of newness and growth. 

 I recognize this overwhelming need for a plan, this desire for control.  And I pause and wonder…what if I just let go?

Let go of this idea of a family I want for myself and my son

Let go of this idea of what I want my life to look like, my day-to-day existence

Let go of this idea of what a fulfilling social life looks life

Let go, let go, let go, and let go…

 And open my eyes to the love I feel for my son, for my friends, for my students, for my family, for our world, really.  Accept that this is it.  This life.   Right now, right here.  This is how it is and about the only thing I can control is how I look at it.

Joy is here, peace is here, sadness, love, anger, trust, respect.  All here. 

 And there, my smile, my hope.  They return, these occasional strangers, and remind me that all is well.

 

 

unopened

 

It sits there, untouched, taped shut, collecting dust.  The remnants of bitter-sweet memories.  Ill-timed news today, brought me back here.  To this closed off "corner of my heart".  I look up at that box and consider opening it.  It's the emotional release, I think, that compels me.  I ache for the familiarness of mourning, of letting go, of something resembling full closure. 

Part one of said-closure: my wedding band is at the bottom of a lake, my wedding dress re-used, I secretly hope, as some freak Halloween costume gone horribly well in its spookiness.

Part two of said-closure:  a letter never sent.  Written mostly for me.

Part three of said-closure:  time.

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I always hesitate to post these things but  feel like someone out there may benefit from reading it.  From feeling less alone in her/his own particular journey.  And, yes, that someone could very well be me. So I accept the vulnerability and hit "publish".

july 12th

"Morning wishes", Spring 2010

The yin of it:

"But I have grown too strong, to ever fall back in your arms...  I learned to live half alive... And it took so long just to feel allright, remember how to put back the light in my eyes.  I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed because you broke all your promises..."

-Christina Perri, "Jar of Hearts"

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And the yang of it:

A few years back, when I still thought the marriage would keep on going, I had this vision of what a mature, loving, blissful relationship might look like.   It warmed my heart then, the joy in it, the peace in it.  And as this ghost anniversary approaches, I smile still.  I wrap that feeling in the fragile hold of hope and thank him.  For in truth, if it could not be with him, then he has given me the gift of finding it with someone else.  Someday, perhaps.  The perhaps of someday.  

---

i do not stumble, i stick/i do not tumble, i tick
i do not crumble, i cry

i do not lie, i love
i do, i do, i do,  i do, i do

adore the when, the where, the why
sing me the lullaby

i do not stumble, i stick/i do not tumble, i tick
i do not stumble, i stick/i do not tumble, i tick

In this moment: week 3

"Life is full of fits and starts.  Some things are easy; some are not.  Some things go and some things stop.  Do your work; then set it down.  There are no failures. Forgive and forget yourself."  -Karen Maezen Miller in Momma Zen 

In The Moment: Week II

"Bird by bird"

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Baby steps, little by little, one day at a time... life feels so overwhelming.  I tell myself, "let go, let go, let go, let go".  I am surprised at bouts of mourning that still hit, that sting at the edges and quake near the core.  I feel impatient when the pain lingers, when the thoughts spin around and around and around and around.  And so I whisper,  a bit too harshly, "Bird. by. bird."  Then softly....bird by bird.

And so it goes, as I resume this flight into the now.

In this moment: weekly photo project

 
"Uncertainty is the basis of life" Deepak Chopra in "A Path to Love"

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There is a lot of letting go in the acceptance of life's uncertainties.  And there is a peace that comes with the detachment of having control. I breath easier, knowing it isn't all up to me because ultimately, that's quite the burden to bear.

in the spirit of spring

 
"Found", March 2010

Aaah, this week off from work has been just wonderful.  Just enough time of personal work, play and unseasonably warm weather to start my new favorite season off just right!  In the spirit of renewal, I've decided to embark on some new projects.  One of which is a weekly photography collaboration centered around an inspirational quote, to be published here on Thursdays.  (Wanna join in?  Shoot me an email because the more the merrier!)

I have some exciting new beginnings to my photography business, once I can settle on a few details, so hoorah to where that may take me!  And then there's the Picture Spring Workshop I gifted myself to help motivate and inspire as I gear up for the last long haul at work before those sweet, sweet breezes of summer come our way.

And did I mention, WOW ?  Yep, I love this season.

Been dreaming

"The light of hope, the hope of light", March 2010

I'd like to live bravely.  To be loud and laugh and lovable without the cloud of shame that seems to seep into my joints, clog up my vessels and squeeeeeze my lil' heart.  To be courageous and self-assured in my goodness, in my worthiness, and in the value of my contribution.

I guess I continue to dream of a life in which what I do is actually valued, that my own personal strengths are seen as a commodity.  I joke that it'll probably be easier to remarry then to ever find a job in which I will feel safe to admit my weaknesses, build on them, and to actually be valued by my strengths. 

Does that environment exist anywhere?  In your work place, in your home, in your school or in your child's, in your communities'?

How do we build that?