Lizabean

 

"Look into my eyes and you will see", June 2009

...tap,tap...

Hello? Is this thing on?
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Mmm, yeah. Hi. Been gone for a bit and suddenly feel compelled to connect via the blogosphere world again. I have a project in my head that somehow captures the essence of some incredible things I've been learning about myself through this messy, horrible, yet oddly mixed-blessing of a divorce. I've discovered that words, language, they are just not adequate enough to share my story. So I am turning to my art. This is the first installment, so to speak, about where I am now. I have more to come that will show, not tell, about where I have been.
--
Photograph above taken July 2009, titled "What I found within"

so delicate, so strong

so delicate, so strong, originally uploaded by liza-bean.

she has arrived,
quiet,
resilient,
effortlessly strong.

she bends gracefully,
grounded
in her
growth
..yet..
flexible with the will
of the wind.

she brings beauty to the world,
in all it's current gloomy drab.

she has arrived.
(there. no, not there! there, in the background.
blurred light next to her steady trunk.)

it is her turn to provide the shelter,
her turn to shade you from the swealtering heat
of
this world.

she has arrived.

Weary, watching eyes, wait patiently as she comes more sharply into focus.

And can I just say?

 

#1.  My son is adorable.

#2.  I am feeling an awful bit more like myself today.  Aah, freeing.

Lessons

Off the meds and pretty much feeling every emotion that had been medically dulled the last few months.  Feeling slightly irresponsible and must stop to reflect on that.  (And rather irrated that I can relate to my "ex" with regards to the medication issue and must therefore eat my thoughts out).  Right now, I am just relishing in the bliss of imagined (?) control that comes from listening to myself and chucking the pills in the garbage. 

That pill and me.  I guess it has always does come down to control.  And I don't want to depend on THAT.  I want to depend on ME and my actions.  Now that I am no longer a post-partem, hormonal mess, it's time to see if I can make changes in my way of thinking, living, etc that can assist in the managing and balancing act over my emotions.  (And if you are feeling a bit frightened of this particular decision of mine, well, honestly I am a bit too.  But not all that much because depression has thus far been elluded.  I have, however,  been a teary, irritable mess.  But I view it as a challenge and am ready to face it!  I say to my brain:  "Listen synapses, it is time we reroute some things around here all on our own without Mr. Fix-It.  Yes, yes, I know, I miss him too.  But we can do it!  I promise!  When I say stop, you stop; when I say pause, you pause; when I say enough already, you give us a break. And above all- you need to listen to ME.  We are no longer on automatic.  We are switching to manual.  And I promise, I will feed you with all those yummy chemicals.  You will not be deprived.  It may come from Ms. Stick Some Needles in the Ears, or Miss Swim Your Heart Out.  And do note -if needed- we may meet a new Mrs. Fix-It.  You see, we have so many new friends to meet!  How exciting! "

---

I am learning many things.   And that growth comes with such incredible pain.  I've been called out on a couple of things that are not so great about myself by a couple of different people.  (Oh the tears!  Oh the self-loathing! Oh the ache in my heart caused solely by my inability to love myself enough to act in accordance with codes of consideration, reliability, & selflessness!)

We really are our own worst enemies, are we not?

Bottomline.  I am learning how to forgive myself for my various transgressions.  And man, that's painful.  The whole process of actually having to face the reality of my imperfections?

I am beautiful but, man, I sure am ugly too.  (And apparently still stuck in b/w thinking mode, ha!)

Dude, Perfectionism, you are impeding my personal self growth.  Step out of the way, please.

good enough

"mmm mama...", originally uploaded by liza-bean.

Overwhelmed doesn't quite begin to describe it. Truthfully, I never in a million years thought that I would be here.

So utterly alone. But at our core, aren't we all just alone? I hope to think not but my faith in human relationships has been shattered. Perhaps, as it should be. I put too much of my energy into a flawed, fatal connection.

The enormousy of raising this child has left me paralyzed. I keep going, like that damn energizer bunny, drumming around in circles because I don't know what else to do.

I dream of a day when I won't be alone. And then I wake up to the reality that I will always be alone and this is it. It is all on me. If I am sad, I must face it. If I am angry, I must learn how to channel it in positive directions. If I am uncertain, I must be my own cheerleader. If I am crying, I must wipe my own tears. If I am irritable, I must control the impulses to curse, stomp off, runaway, pinch back.

Motherhood is terrifying and I am so shaken with fear that I will do wrong by my son. That I will not be there for him the way that he needs, emotionally.

And what kind of person would I be, if I can't carry on? But how in the world can I carry on knowing it will be like this? I live in isolation. And I'm scared that eventually the trials of this situation will creep their way up and I will collapse from the weight of it all.

I pray for the strength to be everything he needs me to be, but gosh darn it, I need the village.

How in the world are women doing this alone?

hello there

He is gone this upcoming Saturday.  He may be back in the fall but she will be with him.  Is that gossip, should I keep that a secret?  To me, it is just a fact of the matter.  No one's business?  Perhaps not.  But here's the deal:  I am primarily alone in this parenting gig.

And that scares the shit out of me.
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Loneliness. 

My heart has healed some.  It is no longer him that I want specifically.  Our relationship is over and my mind/heart have finally caught up with one another and have agreed with that sentiment.

But I miss the intimacy, the closeness, the familiarness... I miss being a "significant other".

More work, more healing, more growing, more time.  Then I may be ready to search... more confident and much more aware of what it is I am looking for in a partner.

Grrrr, a tantrum to follow

Divorce you are stupid.  You come here with your dividing lines and hurt and anger and deep, sharp pain and punch me in the gut when I least expect it.  Divorce, you are the ugliest.  You are vile and egotistical and a disgrace to the sanctity of marriage.  I hate you, Divorce.  Go away.  Don't come back another day.

--

Oh, Heaviness of Heart, you are troublesome.  You keep me up at night and weigh me down in the "mourning".  I hate you too.

---

I miss his family. They were MY family in the truest since of that word.  And Divorce is going to ruin that too.

---

I've known them for ten years; we were married for half that time.   This isn't happening anymore, PLEASE, oh Heaviness of Heart.

Please go away, please just leave me alone.    Please,  I just want to wake up from this nightmare.

---

I'm tired of being "strong".  I'm tired of feeling hurt and then attacked with claims that I am just playing the "victim".  Dear vast majority of men and women in the world:  having emotion and feeling pain does NOT make you weak!  But burying it sure does make you emotionally irresponsible.  So let's stop that already, okay?  Good.

---

I love(d) him for so long, so deeply, so blindly, so uncompromisingly.

---

Divorce is horrid*.  And a pathetic escape with a child involved.  And I can say that because I am getting one.  It was thrown in my lap..but I played my part in creating it, so it is mine just the same.

* Of course, there are exceptions but bleh.

--

Fine, I'll back to being zen.  Ha. Ha. Hahahaha.  Just kidding.

---

I am pissed off folks. I am somewhat done hiding that part of this process.

Whoot!

Reflection 3.27.09, originally uploaded by liza-bean.

So I spent the majority of my free moments (and Liam's independent play time) this weekend working on my photography site. It's not finished but I am getting there. I'm even close enough to feel comfortable sharing.

Check it out:
http://irisbloom.squarespace.com/
Aaah, feels good.

Dear love,

"Bang and it's over", Canon EOS 20D, March 2009

I miss you.  There was a time when you looked at me and all I saw was love in those ocean-grey eyes of yours.  I know long ago I broke your heart.  I wish I had had the chance to help mend it.

We have hurt each other, and we are both deeply wounded.

But before I let us go entirely, you need to know that my love for you is timeless.  I will always hope for your happiness.  True happiness, my dear  friend.  The kind where there is peace in your heart.

"If you love someone, let them go..."

I have learned recently that there is no ownership in this these thing called a human relationship.  Hallmark-created love is superficial.  "Be mine"?  Be yourself.

Find yourself, my former lover.

Seek hard, look deep.

I hope you find what I have always seen.  What I continue to see despite the veils that are unraveling.

You, too, are light.  I miss its presence in my life.

I don't know how to let us go.  In a bizarre way, you are helping me do just that.

There will be a day when I will no longer long for you back in my life.  It makes me so sad to be on that road of detachment from you. 

So before I stop looking back, please know, I only want joy for you.  That is the love I hope to carry with me as the rest begins to fade.  That is the love that knows no history or future.

My heart cheers for you.  Carry onward, my sweet husband. 

I hope you find what you are looking for.  Sincerely, I wish you a safe & healthy journey.

You will be missed.

love,

Your wife (of former years)

 

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I regret publishing my previous post.  While my feelings were valid and true, I think I need a different venue for angry words such as those.  So I'd thought I'd share the other side of my emotions because they are written from the heart and not from a need for the world to know just how much he is hurting me.  I can be more respectful; regardless of how angry/hurt I feel at times.