Lizabean

Our family, in the now

Photo taken at 37 weeks by the immensely talented Lauren

Thank you for the words of encouragement.  I find myself far more relaxed and calm about him coming now that I am finished with work.  I can now nap whenever I like and can use my energy to give this apartment a good, deep cleaning.  Hurray!

Pampered, surprised, and then some!

"Advice Mobile", Canon Digital Rebel XT, January 2008

(Loving pictures of advice made by some very special people.  They are all hanging in my bedroom now, just where I can see them as I fall asleep and wake up.)

I have so many people to thank these days!  First, my husband gave me some yummy chocolates as a a "thank you for working so hard growing our baby " gift.  Then my in-laws treated me to half a day at a spa (which included a pregnancy massage, aaaah!)

And today?  Oh my.  My sister Suzanne, with the help of many friends, threw me a surprise "Motherhood Celebration" gathering.  It was quite a shock for me.  I do believe I stood in disbelief for a good whole minute, and then it still took some time for me to even say hi to people.  Stunned would be the word.  In addition to my mom and sisters (missed you, Katie!), so many of my dearest friends were there, including three from scattered places across the country.

It was so special to see all of you.  I feel very loved, ladies.  Thank you, thank you!

"Worry Dolls", Canon Digital Rebel XT, January 2008

(A perfect craft activity for me!  Everyone made me a worry doll to store all my worries- yippee!!  We all know I have plenty...)

Letting go

On Sunday, Brent and I started a birthing class based upon the book "Birthing from Within".  It is designed for small groups but since we were the only ones to sign up we have our very own private tutor.  And that's just wonderful. 

One quote from the book is "worrying is the work of pregnancy".  Instead of pushing your worries aside (like I've spent years trying to do) the author recommends acknowledging them, finding out the root of your fears, and actually asking yourself what you would do if that fear came true.

A few weeks ago I spent an evening journaling about the deepest fear, that of Liam dying.  And it helped calm me to think of what we would do. How I would still get to see him and hold him and say a tangible goodbye.  This is not to say that I am in anyway prepared for that to happen or have any real clue about how devasting that would be, but it has lessoned the worry...to some extent.

The great thing about taking this class is that our instructor lead me through another way to actively deal with this worry.  Eventually it came to asking myself, everyday, "What am I doing right now to choose hope?"  Pregnancy, children, life, oh it can be so scary the lack of ultimate control we have over it all.  The control I do have is how I think about it, what I say to myself when the worries prop up and threaten to take over.

And yesterday, the worries overcame me.  I wrote that post and then had a bit of a meltdown.

Have I mentioned before just how wonderful my husband is?  He's got a gift, that one.  Knowing how to help someone work through their issues while still keeping it their job to solve the problems.  I am one who easily seeks the comforts of others to tell me it will all be okay.  Brent's all,  this will all be okay once you've actually problem-solved.  And he doesn't let me skip that part.

I was reminded last night, after reading people's blogs, and seeing photos of newly arrived ones, of how I first felt when I found out I was pregnant.  My hopes were on meeting my baby and I distinctly remember thinking, "I really do not care how s/he gets here, as long as s/he gets here".  I was okay with pregnancy complications then, okay with C-sections, okay with anything as long as it meant I got to become a mother.

And here I am with a healthy, growing boy and a thus far a very uneventful, complication-free pregnancy.  I feel at peace today.  I feel lucky.  And naturally, feel very grateful.

I also feel like I haven't given my midwife quite the fair representation.  When I'm there she makes me feel like her time is unlimited and all just for me. She called me only three hours after a series of tests to give me the results.  Now that's something! 

I do think that I need to keep trying to communicate with her honestly about my concerns, frustration, and sensitivities and am actually pretty happy with myself for speaking up the other day.  That was only my second visit with this particular midwife so I think it's going to take a little more time to develop more trust.  Considering I'm slow to warm up to begin with, it's a good thing the appointments are going to be every two weeks from now on. And I think if I bring a little more hope with me to these visits, a pinch more of confidence in myself..well, that will help too.   

Sheepy, Sheepies!

"Sheep!", Canon Digital Rebel XT, December 2007

At my half-way mark several weeks ago, I decided to treat my future momma-self to a custom made messenger bag for all those diaper days to come.  It finally arrived a few days ago from the U.K.! Adorable?  Quite so.  Functional?  Uh....sure.

Now I need to convince Brent that in addition to a couple of professional massages he so kindly recommends for this last third of the pregnancy, how about a new point-and-shoot camera with video capabilities for when baby comes?  It sure would fit perfectly with this bonus bag that was sent with the sheepies:

"Puppies!", Canon Digital Rebel XT, December 2007

Unwavering protector

Brent's mom gave us his baby book a while back.  I bring it out often these days, looking at the adorable baby my husband once was.  Though I often tease him about the above newborn shot- sometimes pictures just don't give babies' cuteness justice.

And then, a lot of times, they do:

 

I am determined to find the baby striped overalls.  Aah, too adorable. 

Many of you know our name for babybean.  I hesitated announcing it but seeing as though it really won't be too much of surprise and I'm horrible at keeping my own secrets... our baby is Liam Mitchell.  Steadfast guardian, unwavering protector.  A wish for my son that he is kind and strong, a guardian for his generation and then some.

I stumbled across a blog this spring written by a mother who gave birth to twins, at 28 weeks.  I read her story and occasionally commented, touched by her strength and those of her sons.  And then her little Liam had to say goodbye and leave his sick body behind.  I admired that little one's tenacity and the sweet moments he gave his family.  So partly babybean will be named after a brave little boy, to honor him, to honor all babies who have had to leave us too soon.

And that fear that our Liam will leave too soon?  A fear I face everyday, sometimes hour by hour. He is my son, and he will shine in any realm of existence. 

Fascinating, this world of online journals.  Small connections and inspirations made little by little, across thousand and thousand of miles.

Season's change

season change, originally uploaded by liza-bean.

So I've officially switched to midwives and am so very satisfied with the care so far! There are just two so there's no mystery as to who will be there at the birth (and no never-met residents). I've only met one of the pair so let's hope I trust the partner as much.

This current one even remembered details I'd told her, which I found impressive. For example, she asked me about my sister, the doula. I also noticed that she listened to babybean's whoosh, whooshing much longer than my previous doctor did. It made me nervous at first, despite remembering how I was slightly uncomfortable with how quickly it was done before. But she smiled and said, "Yep, just fine." So bonus! I got to listen long enough for it all to sink in and smile big. Before today, all I had had time for was a sigh of relief.

Babybean really made me laugh today. I felt like I got a small glimpse of his personality. My midwife was feeling my belly and he started kicking her and squirming about. She would push in somewhere and he would kick. Push somewhere else and he'd squirm away. She half-laughed and exclaimed, "Do you feel that? I have never had one so little do that before!"

I think he just likes his space, like his daddy.

So yey, good changes!

Parents to be

"Half way there: Happy parents to be", Canon Digital Rebel, October 2007

Well,  babybean was kicking all the way to the hospital today for our 20 week ultrasound, but when it came time to take a peek the little kicker got a little shy.  The technician did her thing.  Heart chambers: check/ two arms and legs: check/ cerebellem: check/ a little wave with that adorable hand: check/ kidneys and full tummy: check/ femur bones measuring two weeks further ahead than the rest of the body ("ooh, looks like you're going to have a long one!"): check/  baby moving those legs APART: uh, not having it.  Until momma wiggled.  And then daddy saw it.  And the technician said it:  "You were right, a boy it is!"

Brent's ecstatic.  I laugh and giggle.  A son.  I thought so, but when it came to it I doubted that certainty.  A son, oh my gosh, a son.  And as I sit here typing, he lies there kicking.  The tears form -such a subtle aftershock- and waves of love are sent inward. 

Baby's measuring slightly ahead of schedule, nothing too significant, but it made me feel so proud of myself for helping him grow nice and big.  And because I'm so delighted with that growing baby and belly here's a close-up from the outside:

"20 weeks: Outside", Canon Digital Rebel XT, October 2007

Past and present

"In the bedroom mirror", Canon Digital Rebel XT, September 2006

This was a self portrait I took a year ago.  I never posted it because I remember thinking there was something off about it.  Back then I was actually rather happy with the way I looked in the photo.  Now I see what was wrong.  That was me, in my half smile.  And I look at those eyes, those sad eyes.  To tell you the truth, I was a bit thrown off with all the delightful comments about my "15 weeks" photo that I posted a few weeks ago.  But now I get it.  That smile and my happy eyes.  They haven't been captured in quite some time.

I went to a women's gathering last night.  I had been looking forward to it so much.  The last time I went was last spring and I did it to challenge myself.  That April gathering was about pregnancy and it was a big step for me to go.  For me to let go of the sadness and try to reach out to other women.  I remained silent, though.  I still regret that.  Not voicing my experience.  I know now that I wasn't the only one in that room struggling with fertility.  It was/is a perfect place to talk about how to deal with things when they don't go according to plan.  But I couldn't talk about it.  And it stopped me from making connections, connections that would have made me feel less alone.

Last night I was reminded of the person I was in college.  I enjoyed meeting new people.  I contributed to the conversation several times.  Excited to finally be so close to motherhood.  But I still wish in the safety of that group that I could be completely honest with what it took to get there.  That struggles do exist and can still result in the happy endings, right?  That you can have theories about when/if you'll get married, when/if you'll have children, but life forces flexibility.

It was a little before that gathering in April that I had started making major life changes.  I had recently gone through two cycles resulting in two positive pregnancy test results only to end a few days later in "late" periods/ very early miscarriages.  I couldn't continue trying for a baby.  I needed a break.  I needed a different focus in my life.

I made dietary changes, cutting out sugar and yeast.  I decided to find a new job, working with preschoolers, even if that meant changing school districts.  Brent and I made long term plans that didn't involve a baby.  I began meditating, actively working on bettering the relationships in my life.  I made actual progress letting go (to the limited extent you can when your heart will always long for a baby).  I was making changes and those smiles starting getting broader. I was on a positive path toward finding that happy person within.

Then my mom, my sister and my brother-in-law went to Haifa, Israel.  And they said prayers at Holy places.  And the job I hated ended.

And then, exactly then, I got pregnant.

I'll never know the exact factors that caused my wish to come true.  Some may say none of it or only certain parts of it, but I will always believe it was all of it.

Regardless, I am a happier person. And I truly believe that even if I didn't have my little babybean, I'd be a more joyous  person today than that person pictured above.

So even if I still can't get myself to share the details in those gatherings, thank you for listening here.

Baby steps

Today was my third doctor's appointment.  Despite those light little taps a few days ago, I still got a bit scared going in today.  The whoosh, whooshing reminded me quickly that all is well, but I'm a very greedy momma.  I want frequent, strong movement, like, all the time.  Soon, I know, very soon.

It's that fear.  I just can't shake it.

Courage.  Patience.  Optimism.

They helped me buy these:

"A first for babybean", Canon Digital Rebel XT, September 2007

Movement

happy happy happy, originally uploaded by liza-bean.

Wishful thinking has made me often wonder if those little bubbles were the baby. But that digestive tract, so close to there, left plenty of doubt.

Then there was that moment at work during which it felt like a heart was fluttering within, far south from it's normal origin.

Babybean? Hmmm, not exactly positive, but maybe.

And finally, last night, came the tapping. "And what is this?" those soft, rhythmic motions seemed to be saying.

"Hi baby," I answered back, "that's your momma".

And then I smiled big, real big, and called my husband over.