Sometimes I feel like I am living in a parallel universe from my former life and existence.  A few days shy of Thanksgiving, 10 months ago, I felt tossed into an abyss.  Flailing, grasping at empty spaces, spiraling downward, upward, all around.  And then, I landed.  And so, here I am. 

And while I am grateful for the changes I have seen grow within me, I can't help but feel, even still, like I am living a life that isn't quite mine.  There are moments when my new world and old world collide, and I am left confused and slightly teased by that alluding idea of a  "nuclear family". 

So, while I feel stronger than I have ever felt, EVER,  there are moments when the grief hits so hard I can't move.  I think of my wedding day and am absolutely shocked that I am here ...and that life?  It's elsewhere.  It doesn't feel gone.  It's just feels like I am no longer living it.  Like if I could only wake up or jump higher or ....I don't know.  I guess it's the "could have been". 

Memories, especially the beautiful, most joyous of moments,  are what haunt me in the late night hours and in the many moments of vulnerability I experience.  I look forward to the day when I can value those memories without the tinge of this current grief.  When the path that I am on, feels like the one I want to be living.  Each day brings me closer, that I feel, and that is the hope I hold on to...furiously.

Comments

[Planethalder]

You've come a long way...

[Dena]

beautifully written and well said, liza!