Lessons

Off the meds and pretty much feeling every emotion that had been medically dulled the last few months.  Feeling slightly irresponsible and must stop to reflect on that.  (And rather irrated that I can relate to my "ex" with regards to the medication issue and must therefore eat my thoughts out).  Right now, I am just relishing in the bliss of imagined (?) control that comes from listening to myself and chucking the pills in the garbage. 

That pill and me.  I guess it has always does come down to control.  And I don't want to depend on THAT.  I want to depend on ME and my actions.  Now that I am no longer a post-partem, hormonal mess, it's time to see if I can make changes in my way of thinking, living, etc that can assist in the managing and balancing act over my emotions.  (And if you are feeling a bit frightened of this particular decision of mine, well, honestly I am a bit too.  But not all that much because depression has thus far been elluded.  I have, however,  been a teary, irritable mess.  But I view it as a challenge and am ready to face it!  I say to my brain:  "Listen synapses, it is time we reroute some things around here all on our own without Mr. Fix-It.  Yes, yes, I know, I miss him too.  But we can do it!  I promise!  When I say stop, you stop; when I say pause, you pause; when I say enough already, you give us a break. And above all- you need to listen to ME.  We are no longer on automatic.  We are switching to manual.  And I promise, I will feed you with all those yummy chemicals.  You will not be deprived.  It may come from Ms. Stick Some Needles in the Ears, or Miss Swim Your Heart Out.  And do note -if needed- we may meet a new Mrs. Fix-It.  You see, we have so many new friends to meet!  How exciting! "

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I am learning many things.   And that growth comes with such incredible pain.  I've been called out on a couple of things that are not so great about myself by a couple of different people.  (Oh the tears!  Oh the self-loathing! Oh the ache in my heart caused solely by my inability to love myself enough to act in accordance with codes of consideration, reliability, & selflessness!)

We really are our own worst enemies, are we not?

Bottomline.  I am learning how to forgive myself for my various transgressions.  And man, that's painful.  The whole process of actually having to face the reality of my imperfections?

I am beautiful but, man, I sure am ugly too.  (And apparently still stuck in b/w thinking mode, ha!)

Dude, Perfectionism, you are impeding my personal self growth.  Step out of the way, please.

Comments

[SarahA]

Remember one thing: We don't love you in spite of your flaws. We love you with them. Perfect people don't exist but if they did, they would be annoying.

Maybe say this: I am beautiful because I am ugly.

[BOBBIE]

Yes, Liza, yes.

[Billy]

Anthropomorphizing is definitely a respected trope. Even Manifestations of God have turned to her in their revealed Works! How else can you have a conversation with your own, say, perfectionism or parenting skills? Although I would have to say that my parenting skills are more like a building or a place than like a person. "Go to sleep in the dusky playground of this bedtime story." Hey, it's a fine line between poetry and lunacy.

Keep on figuring it out, Liza!