Lizabean

And can I just say?

 

#1.  My son is adorable.

#2.  I am feeling an awful bit more like myself today.  Aah, freeing.

Lessons

Off the meds and pretty much feeling every emotion that had been medically dulled the last few months.  Feeling slightly irresponsible and must stop to reflect on that.  (And rather irrated that I can relate to my "ex" with regards to the medication issue and must therefore eat my thoughts out).  Right now, I am just relishing in the bliss of imagined (?) control that comes from listening to myself and chucking the pills in the garbage. 

That pill and me.  I guess it has always does come down to control.  And I don't want to depend on THAT.  I want to depend on ME and my actions.  Now that I am no longer a post-partem, hormonal mess, it's time to see if I can make changes in my way of thinking, living, etc that can assist in the managing and balancing act over my emotions.  (And if you are feeling a bit frightened of this particular decision of mine, well, honestly I am a bit too.  But not all that much because depression has thus far been elluded.  I have, however,  been a teary, irritable mess.  But I view it as a challenge and am ready to face it!  I say to my brain:  "Listen synapses, it is time we reroute some things around here all on our own without Mr. Fix-It.  Yes, yes, I know, I miss him too.  But we can do it!  I promise!  When I say stop, you stop; when I say pause, you pause; when I say enough already, you give us a break. And above all- you need to listen to ME.  We are no longer on automatic.  We are switching to manual.  And I promise, I will feed you with all those yummy chemicals.  You will not be deprived.  It may come from Ms. Stick Some Needles in the Ears, or Miss Swim Your Heart Out.  And do note -if needed- we may meet a new Mrs. Fix-It.  You see, we have so many new friends to meet!  How exciting! "

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I am learning many things.   And that growth comes with such incredible pain.  I've been called out on a couple of things that are not so great about myself by a couple of different people.  (Oh the tears!  Oh the self-loathing! Oh the ache in my heart caused solely by my inability to love myself enough to act in accordance with codes of consideration, reliability, & selflessness!)

We really are our own worst enemies, are we not?

Bottomline.  I am learning how to forgive myself for my various transgressions.  And man, that's painful.  The whole process of actually having to face the reality of my imperfections?

I am beautiful but, man, I sure am ugly too.  (And apparently still stuck in b/w thinking mode, ha!)

Dude, Perfectionism, you are impeding my personal self growth.  Step out of the way, please.

good enough

"mmm mama...", originally uploaded by liza-bean.

Overwhelmed doesn't quite begin to describe it. Truthfully, I never in a million years thought that I would be here.

So utterly alone. But at our core, aren't we all just alone? I hope to think not but my faith in human relationships has been shattered. Perhaps, as it should be. I put too much of my energy into a flawed, fatal connection.

The enormousy of raising this child has left me paralyzed. I keep going, like that damn energizer bunny, drumming around in circles because I don't know what else to do.

I dream of a day when I won't be alone. And then I wake up to the reality that I will always be alone and this is it. It is all on me. If I am sad, I must face it. If I am angry, I must learn how to channel it in positive directions. If I am uncertain, I must be my own cheerleader. If I am crying, I must wipe my own tears. If I am irritable, I must control the impulses to curse, stomp off, runaway, pinch back.

Motherhood is terrifying and I am so shaken with fear that I will do wrong by my son. That I will not be there for him the way that he needs, emotionally.

And what kind of person would I be, if I can't carry on? But how in the world can I carry on knowing it will be like this? I live in isolation. And I'm scared that eventually the trials of this situation will creep their way up and I will collapse from the weight of it all.

I pray for the strength to be everything he needs me to be, but gosh darn it, I need the village.

How in the world are women doing this alone?