good enough

"mmm mama...", originally uploaded by liza-bean.

Overwhelmed doesn't quite begin to describe it. Truthfully, I never in a million years thought that I would be here.

So utterly alone. But at our core, aren't we all just alone? I hope to think not but my faith in human relationships has been shattered. Perhaps, as it should be. I put too much of my energy into a flawed, fatal connection.

The enormousy of raising this child has left me paralyzed. I keep going, like that damn energizer bunny, drumming around in circles because I don't know what else to do.

I dream of a day when I won't be alone. And then I wake up to the reality that I will always be alone and this is it. It is all on me. If I am sad, I must face it. If I am angry, I must learn how to channel it in positive directions. If I am uncertain, I must be my own cheerleader. If I am crying, I must wipe my own tears. If I am irritable, I must control the impulses to curse, stomp off, runaway, pinch back.

Motherhood is terrifying and I am so shaken with fear that I will do wrong by my son. That I will not be there for him the way that he needs, emotionally.

And what kind of person would I be, if I can't carry on? But how in the world can I carry on knowing it will be like this? I live in isolation. And I'm scared that eventually the trials of this situation will creep their way up and I will collapse from the weight of it all.

I pray for the strength to be everything he needs me to be, but gosh darn it, I need the village.

How in the world are women doing this alone?

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[Jennifer Chappell Deckert]

one step at a time.